There was a time when Osama Bin Laden owned the audio and video- hungry airwaves. Each new tape brought out the usual talking heads and whetted the non-stop talking lips of the cable newstalker hosts. Could it be a fake? Does he look healthy? Where could he be? But these days the world’s number one bearded terrorist might as well be living in the Stone Age, cave or no cave for an address. Last year, may it rest in peace, Bin Laden released five new tapes, more than Beyonce and the Dixie Chicks combined (not that they would mix that well). The last message came in under the radar of the newswire at year’s end. As reported in yesterday’s The Guardian, this time the target is fellow Sunnis in Iraq who are working with the American forces. They join the Saudi regime, which Bin Laden has similarly damned as apostates headed for hell.

So why is no one interested anymore in what Bin Laden has to say? As a responsible journalist, I think Bin Laden is suffering from the inevitable falling-star syndrome of our commercially-driven news market. Since there always has to be something new (as opposed to good or important) to put in the next day’s newspaper, or air on the evening news or update on the webcast, even someone who is a vile terrorist one day can quickly fade. It would be hard to top the toppling of the Twin Towers, so why bother? I have no idea if Bin Laden has AOL, but if he is able to read this, consider what I am about to say as friendly advice. Here are some New Year’s resolutions for an icon that desperately needs a makeover if he is to make a comeback on CNN.

Mr. Bin Laden, welcome to the tabloid world of American Idol. The problem with your messages last year was that each new release seemed like a remake of the old one. Let’s face it, you are not as important as the Beatles or Led Zeppelin, so adding apostates to an already overloaded hellfire does not have the nostalgic appeal of a living in a Yellow submarine or buying a stairway to heaven. Most Jews and Christians long ago realized that we make our own hell here on earth, so drop the afterlife and people might listen in this life.

Here are some specific New Year resolutions right out of Madison Avenue meets Hollywood, as not likely to be reported on Al-Jazeera”

• If you truly want to make your mark in history more than a zabiba‘s worth, then do a Gandhi. Renounce all violence and embrace tolerance. You could even become a vegetarian and extend the love of humanity to all creatures bright and beautiful. This would bring about reconciliation between Muslims and Hindus and reunite India (think of all those nukes in one nation state).

• Invite Al Gore to your cave and join the fight against global warming. Your enemies are not going to hell, hell is coming to earth every time we start up a Toyota. You would be a sandal-in for the next Nobel round.

• Send a letter to Brother Ahmadinejad and tell him to step inside one of the those Auschwitz ovens and feel the heat. Then the two of you could make peace with Israel and prove that miracles are still possible in the 21st century.

• The beard has to go. You will never be a Muslim Santa Claus, so stop by the nearest unisex barber (if you are in Pakistan, you may want to wait until the rioting over Bhutto’s death slows down a bit) and get a shave. This way you will know how much your followers really do emulate eveything you do.

I hope these ideas help. If you can do even one of these, I will do everything I can to persuade President Huckabee to grant you a pardon when he takes office next year. And if you want to drive a cab in New York, I know a guy who can get you over the border from Mexico, no matter what your previous criminal record. With John McCain as Huckabee’s secretary of state, you can make a pretty good living here. And if you need a good haircut, just ask John Edwards.

Luke R. Publican