The top picture on the front page of yesterday’s New York Times shows two smiling men, strange political bedfellows although not really as gay as the picture might imply. To the left (and think about what this means for a Republican race) is Rudy, the 9-11 man, the swept-the-streets-free-of-vendors hero, the divorced (“I am Henry the VIIIth, I am”) Catholic and the list goes on. To the right (of just about everyone, including former Governor Huckabee) is evangelist Pat Robertson, who once tried to tie the electoral knot himself. “In a Surprise,” runs the headline, “Pat Robertson Backs Giuliani.” An endorsement, the most sought after photo-op in poly biz.

But an endorsement from Pat Robertson? Here is Rudy, still riding the national polls largely because few people know what he stands for except that he stands against terrorism, and next to him is a man who is unpopular across the spectrum of America precisely because people know what he has said or love to make fun of it. Who exactly is gaining from this front page notoriety? I think a major beneficiary of this Gospel-propelled largesse is the American public. The busloads of born-again church goers who beat the bushes of the faithful to win one for the Bushes may very well stay in the church parking lots this time around. McCain’s previous disdain for the religious right will not save himself even if he does bolt the Episcopals for the Baptists. Former Baptist Minister Huckabee has been written off by the pols as yet another wannabe. Brownback has thrown in his towel. And then there is Mitt Romney, the guy who walks and talks like Reagan II but has a major skeleton unburied in his closet. Can a Mormon, which is about as bad as being a Catholic for Fundamentalist preachers, get the “Honk, Honkie, if you love Jesus” vote? A honky-tonk Country Western singer might have a better chance, but Willie has his tax troubles. And Arnold, the darling of Republicans not too timid to admit they are not girliemen, has his own fires to put out in California.

In love and war all things are said to be possible, but politics is not far behind. Whether or not there is brotherly love between Rudy and Pat, they do speak eye-for-an-eye on war. Rudy has an advisor who thinks we should nuke Iran and not even bother to ask questions later, and Pat thinks God will nuke all the unborn-again, as soon as Jesus raises his hands (and I do not mean Touchdown Jesus, who has let down the Notre Dame faithful this year in a way that suggests a new Protestant revolution may be afoot). Pat wondered aloud in his 700 Clubbing of the left why we don’t just go ahead and assassinate Hugo Chávez. Shucks, the guy’s a commie, ain’t he?

So let’s suppose, apocalyptically, that Rudy runs away with the nomination and bests Hillary in the next round of unprofessional mud-slinging we call an election. Who better to replace Condi as Secretary of State than Pat Robertson? After all, Pat has a firm stand on the Middle East crisis. He proudly said:

Ladies and gentlemen, make no mistake-the entire world is being convulsed by a religious struggle. The fight is not about money or territory; it is not about poverty versus wealth; it is not about ancient customs versus modernity. No-the struggle is whether Hubal, the Moon God of Mecca, known as Allah, is supreme, or whether the Judeo-Christian Jehovah God of the Bible is Supreme.

If God’s chosen people turn over to Allah control of their most sacred sites-if they surrender to Muslim vandals the tombs of Rachel, of Joseph, of the Patriarchs, of the ancient prophets-if they believe their claim to the Holy Land comes only from Lord Balfour of England and the ever fickle United Nations rather than the promises of Almighty God-then in that event, Islam will have won the battle. Throughout the Muslim world the message will go forth-“Allah is greater than Jehovah. The promises of Jehovah to the Jews are meaningless.

So a vote for Rudy is a vote for Pat. Don’t let Hubal pull the veil over your eyes. Buy Jehovah.

And Pat has a plan to ensure Homeland Eternal Security. Here is a new plank for the Republicans to walk in their unreadable platform:

To see Americans become followers of quote, Islam, is nothing short of insanity. Terry, you know, I’ve been in Africa many, many, many, many times, and you see people over here learning Swahili, for example. Swahili was the language of the slave traders. The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would people in America want to embrace the religion of the slavers, and the language of the slavers — that’s what Swahili is; it’s not a native African dialect. You say ‘what’s going on in America, when we welcome into our society and give rights to people who are persecuting Christians around the world.’ It’s time we stood up against this and said ‘no more!’ We must demand the State Department do something in relation to the Sudan, in relation to the Palestinian Authority, in relation to Iran, in relation to Saudi Arabia and these other countries that are persecuting Christians. We can’t let it happen. And if we don’t let our voices be heard, it’s going to happen. Now, I think we ought to pray, we should really pray. And then we should do something as well as pray, and let our voices be heard. Speak out wherever we are — we can’t be silent, look what happened in the Holocaust. A whole race was close to extinction because we were silent. We can’t be silent any longer. If it’s them now, it’ll be us next.”

For once I do agree with Pat. We really do need to pray. Pray that in another year Rudy joins Fred Thompson on a remake of Law and Order. Pray that this Pat on Hizzoner’s back is seen as a slap in the face to us all. Pray that Ron Paul is the biggest surprise of all.

Luke R. E. Publican