What better place for the Republican wolf-no-longer-in-sheepish-clothing pack to have a demolition derby debate than Orlando, home of Disney’s fantasy view of America and chosen site for a dodgeball game with reporters (not deciders, of course) from Fox News? Not since the missing chads of 2000 has so much heat been generated in Florida over such an important outcome. Whatever round this is in the GOP run-up to the election, this time they all came out itchin’ for a good-old-boy fight, apparently ready to shed their “family values” political correctness if only for a night. All of the candidates took pot shots at Hillary, playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey until the audience fell on their conservatively smart asses laughing. Fred laid a few low blows on Rudy, who kicked back with his own street smarts. Mitt and McCain were able to raise a little cain. Then there were the also-theres, including the recent third-place values man, Governor and former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee. Taking a page out of Rudy’s play book, he played the fear card. In one of his responses he noted that the greatest threat that has ever faced America (get ready for a history lesson) is Islamofascism. In a recent online interview he laid out his apocalyptic scenario:

“There’s almost an inevitability, not just a possibility. It will happen again. And it’ll happen because we face an enemy that is not a nation-state that can be contained within borders and boundaries, because their war is not about borders and boundaries. Islamofascism is rooted in a theocratic Islamic jihadism that seeks to destroy and annihilate every last one of us. It wants to establish a complete Islamic theocracy across the world and for that to happen it means our culture has to be completely snuffed out. There’s no peaceful co-existence, there’s no accommodation, there’s no naïve nonsense that if we leave them alone they leave us alone. This is a war someone will win and someone will lose. Whoever perseveres and whoever has the strongest will, will in fact win and that’s why we can’t give up.”

The “it” here, if it is not readily apparent as a major theme engulfing just about every candidate but Ron Paul, is the tragedy of 9/11. Prophet Huckabee, perhaps having shared that Gideon Bible with Mitt the night before for a re-reading of the Prophet Ezekiel, thinks “it” will happen again. If he follows the dispen[sen]sationalist teaching of his Baptist brethren, the Governor will not be around for the total Satanic invasion of the Islamofascists, but will have been raptured out of the Oval Office. If he were elected, then God help us if the Vice-President is not Rudy or Fred, two wannabe conservatives who will be among those of us left behind.

Replace the word “Islamofascism” in the above quote with “Communism” and the former Arkansas Governor would have a hard time explaining how he did not plagiarize Joe McCarthy virtually word for word. This is a war that Huckabee thinks someone will win and someone will lose. But that is not inevitable by any means. There are wars that nobody wins, the recent debacle in Iraq being a strong candidate. I suppose we won Vietnam, even if we only declared victory and pulled out.

But let’s return to the history lesson. If Islamofascism is the greatest threat America has ever had, I think we will have to rewrite our history books. Greater than the Civil War? Even a governor from a state that had trouble deciding if it was with the Union or the Confederacy would have to admit that Ken Burns did not make a film series about this just for the fun of it. Greater than the two previous world wars? Greater than Communism? God forbid! No, I am sure he would not let the Evil Empire off the hook just because the “Axis of Evil” has shifted towards Armageddon.

For the record, Huckabee ain’t no ordinary huckleberry. According to Wikipedia (which I am sure the staff of Governor Huckleberry consults on a daily basis), “The phrase ‘I’ll be your huckleberry’ is used to mean that you are just the right person for a given job.” I’m not sure who put that meaning up, but I doubt it was Howard Dean. Wikipedia also has an entry on the cartoon character Huckleberry Hound, where the following is reported (you decide, I am just reporting what one of you wrote there): “The term “Huckleberry” can be a slang synonym for a rube or an amateur, and that seems to fit Huck’s personality.” Then there is Huckleberry Finn, who also had a sense of humor, but still had a problem with spoutin’ off the n-word too much. So which kind of huckleberry is Huckabee? Shucks, take your pick. But for God’s sake (and I don’t care which God you worship), let’s leave Islam out of it.

Luke R. E. Publican