Afghan President Karzai explaining how large a bag he wants his CIA cash delivered in

Following the “revelation” that the CIA has been dropping off bags of cash to Afghan’s President Karzai, perhaps its acronym should also stand for Covert Insurance Allowance. What better way to spread democracy and freedom-loving among the Afghan people than to buy allegiance with greenbacks. After all, if Karzai is not supplied with freshly minted American dollars, how can he get the warlords to side with him. Let’s face it, the Taliban have stockpiled the opium, so Karzai needs some source of income for his fragile economy. As bribed supporters of American liberation, we can be assured that these warlords would never use any of that under-the-table funding to buy opium from the Taliban.

Many Americans are shocked that the CIA would provide clandestine aid to a foreign president who is pulled out on the kilim in public to be chided over Afghan’s notorious corruption. But rest assured that President Karzai gives America receipts for every dollar. These receipts are actually recycled and used as toilet paper back in CIA headquarters, resulting in a significant savings for the agency. The CIA can now cover its own shit without having to buy truckloads of Scots Tissues, much to the consternation of the Koch Brothers. Now that the shit has hit the fan, so to speak, more money will need to be provided to Karzai so that more receipts can make their way back to headquarters. There is plenty of cash available, despite sequestration, since so many of the other dictators that were getting genuine made-in-America bribes on the sly are gone.

With the millions upon millions pouring into aid for Afghans, what is all the fuss over a mere tens of millions provided C.O.D. (Charity on Dictators). After all, Karzai is President and has to pay his laundry bills somehow. The U.S. certainly would not want such a staunch anti-Communist — I mean anti-Taliban, but of course what difference does it make — ally to show his wrinkles in public. As a follow-up to the scoop in the New York Times, my own imaginative reporting has revealed that the code name for delivering the cash to Kabul is CLEAN (Cash Laundering Engendering Afghan Nation-builidng). It is also know known through a future WikiLeaks that Karzai, like Beyonce, has a few celebrity perks: he will only accept denominations of $500 and higher and the bags must be genuine Gucci, not those fake ones available on Canal Street in Lower Manhattan. As a former resident of the U.S., Karzai is not likely to be fooled by a low-quality substitute.

Most Americans have little idea what the technical meaning of LOL is, but it is certainly not something to laugh about. In CIA terms, this stands for “Lying over Laundering” and is a policy that has been in place for as long as our government has supported ruthless dictators who suppress American-style democracy. It worked for Noriega, the Shah of Iran, Saddam Hussein, Moubarek of Egypt, Salih of Yemen, so why should Karzai be treated any differently? We should count our blessings that the King of Saudi Arabia and various emirs of the Gulf are so rich that America does not have to bribe them to keep their citizens from having real freedom to vote.

Look at it this way: Karzai is a loyal ally in our “War to Start all Wars on Terrorism.” Just imagine what would have happened if the Russians had actually conquered Afghanistan, while the CIA was pumping money into Bin Laden’s mujahideen network; or worse, if the Taliban, who came into power originally because they were against corruption, were still in control of the government. Let’s efface it, since Karzai is so loya to us, then let him jirga off all he wants. The bottom line is this: Kabul shit happens. LOL