Category Archives: Humor and Satire

Bombshell Boobs

Shoes failed flat out. Then there was a glitch in the underwear. So what next for the fashionable terrorist with no baggage and a one-way ticket to paradise? If this was the plot for a Monty Python sketch, why not bring in a sexy woman with big siliconcocted breasts? Then replace the silicon with a more volatile substance, turn the nipple into a fuse and it’s bombs away. Well, reports are now flowing through cyberspace about British intelligence intercepting Al-Qaeda cell phone chatter about this very thing. Here is one from February 5 in the online version of the Detroit Free Press:

British intel: Breast implants may hide bombs

WASHINGTON, DC — British intelligence agencies have reportedly monitored terrorist communications bragging that women suicide bombers have already undergone surgery to hide explosive bombs in their breast implants.

“You could certainly put a liquid of any kind in a saline device, and a gel implant theoretically could be opened and replaced with a different type of gel,” said Maryland plastic surgeon Dr. Craig Person.

“I believe that any liquid in a breast implant, or any gel with a silicone-type of implant would be hard to detect with a body scanner,” Person told 9NewsNow. Continue reading Bombshell Boobs

Know Your Customers First

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asks him: “Why weren’t you successful in Saudi Arabia? The salesman explained, with a sigh: “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as our cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem. I didn’t know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters, like this:

Continue reading Know Your Customers First

Swiss Minaretxia


Cows will no longer give milk in Switzerland if minarets are allowed to stand.

The rightwing political parties in Switzerland are up in arms, preparing for a vote on Sunday to save their alpine paradise from the dreaded cultural eyesore of mosque minarets. This proposed ban on minarets comes from the same friendly yodelers in the nationalist Swiss People’s Party that has previously campaigned against foreigners, including a proposal to kick out entire families of foreigners if one of their children breaks a law and a bid to subject citizenship applications to a popular vote. But they have the pure white chocolate science to back up their campaign this time. It is now evident from a pretentious hypothetical analysis that purebred Swiss cows refuse to give milk, even 1 percent, when they see a minaret. This spells the end of Swiss milk chocolate, a loss that would udderly ruin the Swiss economy, not to mention the sense of shame the bovine residents of the country would feel.

Save Switzerland for the pure Swiss, those wily Swiss Bankers who for decades have allowed brutal dictators to launder their money in untouchable Swiss bank accounts. Continue reading Swiss Minaretxia

Satanic or Silly: Does Yale Press Censorship of Cartoons Insult Muslims?


The Prophet Muhammad, 17th century Ottoman copy of an early 14th century (Ilkhanate period) manuscript of Northwestern Iran or northern Iraq (the “Edinburgh codex”). Illustration of AbÅ« Rayhān al-BÄ«rÅ«nÄ«’s al-Âthâr al-bâqiyah ( الآثار الباقيةة ; “The Remaining Signs of Past Centuries”). Source: Wikipedia article on Muhammad

Satanic or Silly: Does Yale Press Censorship of Cartoons Insult Muslims?
By Daniel Martin Varisco, Religion Dispatches, September 8, 2009

Two decades ago, the publication of Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses caused a tsunami of protest in the Muslim world. The author was forced into hiding for nearly a decade after Ayatollah Khomeini called on Muslims to kill him and his publishers. Rushdie was accused of blasphemy, both for slandering the prophet Muhammad by subverting his character to Mahound (a medieval English term synonymous with the devil) and for reducing the holy city of Mecca to Jahiliya (a term used by Muslims to refer to the pagan past of Arabia). It was only a novel, but the fact that it was written by an Indian-born Muslim and published in the West was enough to frustrate even moderate Muslims.

Academic books rarely cause riots in the streets, but a forthcoming study on the recent Danish cartoon controversy may come close. Continue reading Satanic or Silly: Does Yale Press Censorship of Cartoons Insult Muslims?

At least it wasn’t pork


Sacred meat with name of Allah from Nigerian restaurant

Gullibility may be the most common human trait. The West has its UFOs and citings of Elvis, following medieval Christian crusades to find the true cross and holy grail. Indeed, even the prepuce of the Messiah (venerated in the church on January 1) shares space in almost two dozen cathedrals. It is reported (the kind that Fox News might report) that on Christmas day in 800 AD the about-to-be-crowned Charlemagne gave a part of the foreskin of Christ to Pope Leo III. Charlemagne said he received it from an angel, but others say it was a wedding gift from the Byzantine Empress Irene. One wonders who spirited the bit of divine flesh out of the stable in Bethlehem and saved it for a future queen.

All three monotheisms posit signs from Yahweh, the Triune God or Allah. The Virgin Mary or even the head of Jesus may appear on a piece of toast, as though God blesses the bread we eat only if it can take the heat. Islam, unfortunately, is not immune from calligraphic appearances in the most mundane places. Less than a year ago, the Arabic name Allah, appeared on several pieces of meat in a Nigerian restaurant. Alhamdillah, it was beef. But as a sign of hard times, it was not a prime rib or filet mignon (which would have been far too much Western cuisine, I think), but gristle. “When the writings were discovered there were some Islamic scholars who come and eat here and they all commented that it was a sign to show that Islam is the only true religion for mankind,” claimed the restaurant owner. The more appropriate response might be: fat chance. Continue reading At least it wasn’t pork

Blessed are the Peacemakers?

The Bible is a big book with plenty of quotations for politicians and other enemies of clear thinking. Thomas Jefferson came up with his abridged Bible based solely on the Gospels. He saw value in the ethics but not much in the legal wrangling and superstitions. Now it appears that former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld took the opposite approach, striking out the blessed beatitudes like “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matthew 5:9) and “love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44). Who needs that when there is all that hellfire and brimstone and enemy bashing early on? Apparently not Mr. Rumsfeld, nor his adoring boss, Mr. Bush.

It appears that even though the Defense Secretary was not very adept at devising a plan for post-war Iraq security, he did know a thing or two about Photoshop. You can see a slide show of the illustrated covers of his “Worldwide Intelligence Update” (oxymoron that it was) on the GQ website. It is not hard to see why it was given “no distribution” classification. Continue reading Blessed are the Peacemakers?

Islamophobia 101, A call to analyse

[Webshaykh’s Note: This is the start of a new blog thread dedicated to energizing scholarly and pedagogical attempts to combat, or at least mitigate, the ongoing volume of Islamophobia in the media, especially on the Internet. The question is simple: what can be done to respond to Islamophobia in the media by our efforts in the blogosphere, formal media outlets, classroom, community and scholarly forums? I invite fellow scholars, professors and teachers and anyone concerned with this issue to contribute to the discussion here at Tabsir.]

People of any particular religious faith are understandably offended when someone or something they hold to be sacred is dragged through the media-made mud of ridicule. There is no way to completely stop desecration, even when hate crime laws are in place. As long as there are synagogues with walls and anti-Semites with paint, swatstikas will be painted. As long as there are artists who stretch their creative energies to the limit of tolerance, animal dung will adorn the body of the Madonna. And as long as so many individuals in Western societies fear Islam through the veil of their own ignorance and historically constructed disdain, the Prophet Muhammad will be pictured as a profligate. The Danish cartoon controversy was only the tip of the iceberg, one that created a titanic rift in the Muslim community worldwide. The irony is that portraying Muhammad in any form is considered wrong in Islam, so that placing a stud missile in the turban of a caricatured Mahound (to drop a literary motif of the same controversial dimension) glosses over the level of misunderstanding motivating those who made and appreciated the cartoon images.

So what is the proper response to the volume of prophet bashing out there, not only in the case of Islam. Here are a few suggestions to jumpstart the process of analysis so that we as scholars can mitigate the paralysis created by an Islamophobia that is only a mouse click away.

• Identify resources (books, relevant articles, websites, speakers) which provide a scholarly and objective-as-possible perspective on Islamophobia
• Discuss the merits of whether or not to provide examples of Islamophobic writing, art and videos that are admittedly offensive to many Muslims
• Provide lesson and project ideas to encourage students to critically assess the Islamophobia in specific examples they are likely to find in the media and on the Internet
• Engage with fellow scholars and concerned Muslims about the most effective and least offensive ways to combat and mitigate Islamophobic writing and art
• Link examples of Islamophobia to other forms of verbal and artistic ridicule of sacred materials.
• Expose Islamophobic rhetoric by politicians, celebrities and other people in the news.

Having set out the goals, I invite colleagues contribute comments, commentaries and examples for and against Islamophobia for this series, please email the webshakh at daniel.m.varisco@hofstra.edu. I will post the first commentary tomorrow.

Daniel Martin Varisco

Jihad for Jesus

Forget “Jews for Jesus.” Bill Maher missed the t-shirt gospel in his Religulous. If the War on Terror is the message; a t-shirt may be the best medium. Just check out the one-size-does-not-fit-all humor at smarttorso.com.

The site even comes with a disclaimer:

This site is not suggesting that the Global War on Terror is a front for spreading western Christianity to Afghanistan, Iraq, and the rest of the middle east.

That sure would be sweet, though.

(Reminder to our heroes overseas: any SmartTorso order shipping to an APO or FPO address will automatically recieve $5 off. Thanks for your service. Just don’t wear this shirt in formation, unless you have enormous balls and can get away with it.)