The Republican Party, inebriated with tea partisanship, seems to shoot itself in its elephantine trunk in attracting presidential candidates. This certainly worked to Romney’s favor last time around, as he certainly looked far more presidential than “what-was-the-third-one” Rick Perry, Call 999 and pay your taxes Mr. Cain, Sarah “I can see Alaska from my bedroom” Palin, Ron “I will run even when I am in my grave” Paul and the other circus acts that paraded through the primaries in 2012. Once again we are seeing a run (at the mouth some times) of former Governor and Fox News celebrity Mike Huckabee. He is apparently willing to overlook the fact that having two presidents from the state of Arkansas within only a couple of decades is going against Las Vegas odds. But here he is again, hitting the mash potato and Bible verse quoting circuit and about as Iowa bound as a candidate can get.

The latest bit of Huckabeeswax has a nasty sting to it. Echoing the Gold Meir canard that there are no “Palestinians” on his most recent Bible Land tour (I suspect that Huckabee is guilty of not reading Twain’s Innocents Abroad), the Arkansas traveler said that there aint no such thing (well he is reported to have said “is” no such thing but who knows what the meaning of “is” really is) as a Palestinian. “The idea that they have a long history, dating back hundreds or thousands of years, is not true,” Huckabee said.

So if there are no “Palestinians” but only “Arabs” who made up the term to spite Israel and drive them into the sea, who exactly was living in Eretz Israel before 1948. Here are some scenarios. We know that Joshua was said to fit de battle of Jericho, Ai and all these other Canaanite enclaves (where there is no actual history of such a conquest) and supposed to kill them all. So maybe he did and the only people living there in David’s time were the children of Israel. But this would mean all those biblical prophets were making up that stuff about all the pagans around. Well, what about the Romans. When Herod asked for the head of John the Baptist (and Huckabee is a Baptist so he better watch out if he runs into a harem girl doing the dance of the seven veils), maybe he decapitated everyone who was not a bonified Hebrew or Roman. And then there were the Arabs (pronounce eh-raabs) who came into Jerusalem and built their Dome of the Rock right on top of the Temple Mount. So after that it was only the Arabs because we all know that an Arab is a Muslim and those non-Protestant Christians in the region might as well be Muslims since they are going to Hell anyway (along with Mormons like Mitt Romney, but no need to bring that up since Mitt is not in the picture this time). So let’s move forward to Herzl and Zionism. When Herzl mentioned “Palestine”, he must have been speaking in code. Unless, of course, Palestine had no Palestinians. We should correct Herzl’s writing and substitute “Arabia” for “Palestine.”

But here is a dilemma for the Palestine deniers. Let’s say there are no original inhabitants left (including the vast majority of Jews taken in captivity) and that all those folk living there are really nothing but trespassing Arabs. These Arabs have been there for some 1400 years. How long do you have to live in a place to have some rights? If Israelis own “Israel” because it is a Jewish homeland, then what about those Christians who have been dwelling in their Holy Land for some 2000 years? And what about the Canaanites, since they were there before Joshua came in with his gang of Exodus horn blowers? And we know that there were Neanderthals in the Mt. Carmel caves near Haifa, so shouldn’t anyone with Neanderthal DNA have a stake in this as well?

Now if Huckabee’s logic be applied to his native country, then it is obvious that there are no such real Americans as Indians (notice that they are called Indians or Injuns) and they should all go back to India or Injunia, like their name says. And how can there be African Americans (since the white men did not lynch all of them), since they are “African” and they belong in Africa. Now I see that I am in trouble too, since my grandfather was Sicilian. So I should go back to Sicily and those Irish immigrants should go back to growing potatoes in Ireland. And why not kick the English out too, by King George. We don’t need any tax lovers in America. After all if your really love America, then you know that the only thing important is that you believe in Jesus and are ready for the Rapture.

I don’t know if Mr. Huckabee believes in Santa Claus, but I am reminded of a phrase that resonates well after a century: “Yes, Arkansas, there is a Palestine.”