The most fascinating thing about the GOP nomination of John McCain and Sarah Palin as their ticket to extend Republican control of the White House is that there is no accounting for family values this time around. Starting at the top, there’s John McCain himself. After fourteen years of marriage (the kind that most in the Bible Belt would say has “to-death-do-us-part” vows) he went to a party (not a revival meeting) and fell in love with a 24 year old socialite who just happened to be an heiress to a fortune from her father, who owned the main Budweiser Beer (a kind of alcohol that Christians must not let touch their lips) distributor company in Arizona. So he did what any other God-fearing gentleman would do, right? He dumped his wife, who waited patiently while he was a POW and had suffered a severe auto accident, and married the younger celebrity. Cindy’s daddy apparently had doubts about the love, since a pre-nuptial agreement kept John from access to her millions. Contrast this to Barack Obama, who fell in love with his wife, has two kids and is still married (imagine that, and he’s a radical liberal, no less).

Now we get to the bottom of the ticket, and indeed it scrapes the bottom. Enter stage right Sarah Palin, who virtually no one outside of Alaska had ever heard of until last Friday. Here was someone who is being launched as the poster child for family values. Seeing that she has no relevant experience to be Vice President, apart from being Governor of a state across from Russia (which has not invaded under her brief tenure), there is not much else (apart from her beauty queen looks and sportscasting on local news) that could be hyped. But then on the first day of the Republican Convention it turns out that the Governor who believes in abstinence-only sex education has a 17 year old daughter who is unmarried and pregnant. No problem, say the conservative pundits and “Focus on the Family” advocates like James Dobson, because being anti-abortion rules out any and all moral lapses. After all, Sarah decided to keep her Downs Syndrome baby, born in April, but then went back to work three days after giving birth.

All of a sudden the party that for years has preached about the domestic responsibilities of women and poured layers of concrete over the glass ceiling applauds a novice Governor who would rather put her politics above her family. Compare this to Senator Joe Biden, who after the tragic loss of his wife and a daughter in a traffic accident, commuted home to Wilmington every night to be there for his two sons, a soccer dad whose family has no scandals and a man who so loves his wife that he can’t stop talking about her. Of course, in the ever tightening Bible Belt he ain’t goin’ to heaven, cause he’s a Catholic and that’s almost as bad as Mitt Romney being a heretic Mormon.

So which is the party of Family Values this election cycle? Ask yourself this question: If Barack Obama’s daughter was 17, unmarried and pregnant, what would James Dobson say? And come to think of it, what would Jesus say?

Luke R. E. Publican