Shhhhhhh!!! A rare opportunity to explore the intrigues of USA High School beckons. Quietly listen in, while Tiffany, Brittany, and Stephanie discuss the latest news (

Tiffany: “Did you hear what Bobby Malley did?”

Stephanie and Brittany, together: “No!”

Tiffany: “He works at International House of Pies on the weekend, and he delivered a pizza to Sammy Haniyeh’s party Saturday night.”

Brittany and Stephanie gasp. “Sammy Haniyeh? EWWWW!!”

Tiffany: “I know! He and his friends are so scruffy and obnoxious!”

Brittany: “What’s his problem? He’s always ragging on Zionsville High!”

Stephanie: “I heard it was because Zionsville beat his father’s team for the state championship in 1948.”

Brittany: “1948?? But that was, like, [pause]. . .a hundred years ago!”

Tiffany: “I know! Why doesn’t he just get over it? Anyway, I told Barry Obama about it, and he was really scared.” Stephanie giggles, but Brittany looks puzzled.

Brittany: “But why would Barry care?”

Stephanie rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue. “Hello, because Bobby Malley tutors Barry in World History after school, obviously!” Brittany considers the connection.

Tiffany continues: “So I told Barry that if he keeps talking to Bobby after Bobby delivered pizza to Sammy, we won’t talk to him anymore, because everybody will find out, and nobody will go to Homecoming with him, and if he doesn’t have a date, there’s no way Barry will be elected Homecoming king in the Fall.”

Brittany remains puzzled: “But I like Barry! He wasn’t at Sammy’s party, was he?”

Tiffany: “Duh! No! He was working on posters for Homecoming on Saturday. And he doesn’t even like Sammy. Nobody does. The Senior Class President, Hammy Abbas, and Principal Cheney and Vice Principal Olmert won’t even talk to him because they’re mad that Sammy even got elected head of Student Council last year. I don’t blame them; he hasn’t even kept any of his campaign promises, like having actually identifiable food in the cafeteria! Everybody says they’re mad because he keeps on bitching about Zionsville!”

Brittany: “But did Bobby go in and party with Sammy and his creepy beardy friends?”

Stephanie: “As if! It’s not like they have anything in common. Besides, he was too busy with his other deliveries. You know how many jobs he has.”

Brittany: “So Bobby can’t tutor Barry in World History any more because International House of Pies sent Bobby to delivered pizza to Sammy’s party?”

Tiffany and Stephanie screech, “Of course not!” Stephanie explains: “He can’t even talk to Bobby any more. Nobody can.”

Tiffany continues: “Barry’s really smart and all, but he’s wanted to be Homecoming King for, like, forever, and he’s worked really hard on posters and stuff. The science geeks and the potheads and the French Club and the school newspaper and the Band all like him, and even some of the jocks like him, too. He’s not going to screw it all up by having Bobby tutor him when people know now that Bobby’s been over to Sammy’s house and even probably talked to him! So after I told Barry about it, I heard Barry gave Bobby the big blow-off. Everybody is wondering why it took him so long. Kind of makes you wonder whether Barry has the right stuff to be Homecoming King after all.”

Brittany’s eyes go misty. “Yeah,” she says, slowly. “It kinda does.”