Cows will no longer give milk in Switzerland if minarets are allowed to stand.

The rightwing political parties in Switzerland are up in arms, preparing for a vote on Sunday to save their alpine paradise from the dreaded cultural eyesore of mosque minarets. This proposed ban on minarets comes from the same friendly yodelers in the nationalist Swiss People’s Party that has previously campaigned against foreigners, including a proposal to kick out entire families of foreigners if one of their children breaks a law and a bid to subject citizenship applications to a popular vote. But they have the pure white chocolate science to back up their campaign this time. It is now evident from a pretentious hypothetical analysis that purebred Swiss cows refuse to give milk, even 1 percent, when they see a minaret. This spells the end of Swiss milk chocolate, a loss that would udderly ruin the Swiss economy, not to mention the sense of shame the bovine residents of the country would feel.

Save Switzerland for the pure Swiss, those wily Swiss Bankers who for decades have allowed brutal dictators to launder their money in untouchable Swiss bank accounts. The Swiss, it seems, have a history of self-serving commercial ventures. Who else would sell cheese with big gaping holes in it? Or are they upset that their best selling Swatch brand of watches rhymes with “snatch,” one of the many colorful slang words used in English for a female’s unmentionables? These rightwingers are so tough that they would probably not even let Swiss Family Robinson back in after their rescue.

I have nothing against the Swiss, who I suspect will vote this silly proposal down on Sunday. But minarets? Church steeples are much taller, so are they next for these ski-loving and open-sky-loving mountaineers? I suspect that even the average MacDonald’s sign is perched higher in the air than a minaret. So are minaret-building Muslims taking over the cantons? There are about 400,000 Muslims living in Switzerland, out of a total population of about 7.8 million people. Some 100,000 of these native Swiss hate Islam enough to have signed a petition calling for a ban on minarets, not mosques but just the minarets. Maybe they want Muslims to stop praying as well.

Swiss Church Towers are actually taller than minarets

Let’s assume that for some reason the Swiss act like Glenn Beck and actually vote for this ban. Since Switzerland is a law-abiding democracy, Muslims should immediately go to the courts and file a counter suit. I have just the case. Take a look at the proposed Roche Tower (all 163 meters of its ugly height) in Basel. This is supposed to be an office building, but in fact it is a plot of Freudian dimensions to debilitate the morals of civilians with a twisted phallic symbol. Indeed, the design is almost identical to the famous “French tickler” dildo, as shown in the image below. This cannot be an accident. If you think minarets are a phallic symbol, at least in Switzerland they are slender and circumcized, but this thick and unseemly Roche Tower is disgusting. Come to think of it, concerned phallic symbol purists of the world should unite no matter what the vote on the minaret ban and nix the Roche Tower. I will be the first to sign the petition.

The Roche Tower in Basel is modeled after the infamous “French tickler” dildo

Luke R. E. Publican