Category Archives: Luke R. E. Publican

A Methodist in Palestine

In 1904 the proud D.D. Methodist Robert William van Schroik, at the age of 61, boarded a German steamer in New York for a 70-day trip to the Holy Land. The cost was $550 to cover the entire trip on sea and land. The number of travelers on the ship was over 800. This was obviously not the first Protestant American pilgrimage to the Holy Land and the travel book that was produced is nowhere near the quality of the classic The Land and the Book, first published in 1859 by the American missionary William Thomson. Our 1904 journeyman called his book The Book and the Land, a pale reflection of the earlier classic. This tale of Sunday School biblical adventure has a dedication: “the bravest of all Crusaders and Discoverers, Christopher Columbus,” although the direction of sail was reversed. If you are not interested in reading the dull prose of this anti-classic, you can follow the highlights in the post below.

The steamer, somewhat larger than the boat Jonah was thrown off

It took eight days to reach Madeira and the first major stop after Gibralter was at Algiers. The ship docked at 1:30 am while the intrepid traveler was taking a bath. Once ashore the fact that he did not know Arabic or French limited his visit. As he laments, “In two or three instances by motion of lips and hands, and even feet, I tried to make myself understood, but it was useless, and, like many others, I resigned myself to my environments.” He was very much the precursor of the “ugly American”, as shown in his comment on the Arabs of Algiers: “Our drive to the Arab quarters, where poverty, disease, imbecility, and squalor were much in evidence to our optical and olfactory senses, showed us how wide is the gulf which separates our Christian, Bible loving America from this country, where the inspired word of God is scarcely seen or read.” I am not sure if our Robert expected to find a Gideon Bible in his hotel room, but I suspect there was none since the Gideons did not start placing Bibles in hotels until 1908 and that was in Montana.

Like many other steamer-rolled Holy Land visitors, it was the idea of walking where Jesus had walked that excited this lay Methodist. For sure he was no “innocent abroad” in the wake of Mark Twain. He shared his steamer suite with two Presbyterians, a reverend and a missionary. As he explains, “We are all good travelers, untroubled by seasickness, and so far we have not missed a meal. We joke each other occasionally about our denominationalism but as all things are foreordained, according to their creed, and we Methodists have the right to choose the best on sea and land, I have chosen them to be good fellows to room with on a ship. So our Calvinism and Arminianism combine beautifully, and stateroom No. 628 is doing its full part to hasten the millennium.” Over a century later the hastening of the prophetic Millennium appears to be ongoing.

After scenic stops in Malta, Athens and Corinth, they reach Constantinople. Here there was a lecture that was greatly appreciated by our itinerant Methodist: “Mr. Pears ‘s lecture was especially fine in the information he gave concerning the museum where many of the relics are unmistakable proofs of those Bible statements most severely criticized. For example, the stone in the museum, positively from Solomon’s Temple, which speaks of the penalty imposed on those who profane the temple fully answers the criticisms of those who tell us that Jesus, a youth, could not have driven the people with a whip from the temple, as it would have created a riot throughout the city.” Whether or not the museum held the foreskin of Jesus is not mentioned. It should be noted that Charlemagne, who said the holy prepuce was given to him by an angel, presented the holy relic to Pope Leo III in 800 CE in exchange for recognition as king. Apparently it disappeared at a later time from Rome.

Eventually the tour reached Beirut, where some 21 brave ones took a train to Baalbek. Our traveler lists his companions: “Of the other members of our party, missionaries, preachers, bankers, business men, two were from Iowa, two from Illinois, one from Arkansas, one from Louisiana, two from Massachusetts, two from Smyrna, two from Beirut, one from Kansas, one from Oregon, one from Sidon, Syria, one from Toronto, Canada, one from Sofia, Bulgaria, three from Saint Louis, Mo., one from Ohio, and one from Michigan.” It was indeed a cosmopolitan group of pilgrims. Yet another lecture was provided, where it was noted that some people say Baalbek was founded by Cain some 133 years after the creation of Adam, although some suggest “Nimrud, the mighty hunter.” But here is the clincher: “There is little doubt that it is the Baalath where Solomon built a castle in honor of the Queen of Sheba, and where he also built a temple to please his concubines after he departed from the worship of God to the worship of Baal.” What a gentleman the ancient Israelite king was, taking care of his hundreds of lust-filled concubines after he got religion.

Arriving in Damascus they were put up in the luxurious Grand Hotel D’Orient of the Kaonan Brothers proprietors, but they quickly went into action. “We took carriages at once and drove to the street ‘called Straight’ and saw the house of Judas, the first house Paul visited in Damascus and where the scales fell from his eyes when Ananias put his hands upon him. Near this house was the fountain where Paul was baptized.” In the evening they watched the sunset at a place overlooking Damascus, which they were told was where Muhammad received his first revelation from Allah. And even more, “We also saw the maple tree, called ‘the tree of the holy prophet,’ said to be one thousand three hundred years old. It is of fifty feet girth, over sixteen feet diameter.” They also visited the grave of Fatima, Muhammad’s daughter. It was a very diligent interfaith agenda in this part of Syria.

The Grand Hotel in 1920s

Leaving Damascus, our emotional Methodist penned the following praise: “Damascus! Star and Crescent combined; Emerald of Syria; Eden of our first parents; Abraham’s mount of vision where he had his first revelation of God; where Paul, too, received the heavenly vision to which, like Abraham, he was not disobedient; where Mohammed got an intenser love for the paradise not of earth Damascus! May all that is noble, beautiful, and magnificent in thy long history be repeated and more than duplicated in all the coming ages, and all that has been dark, cruel, superstitious, and unworthy of thee be forever forgotten.” I suspect that this tribute has yet to be translated into Arabic.

Now the sacred object of the tour was close. “A whole book could be written of what we saw and thought at Nazareth, Galilee, and Samaria, where so much of our Saviour’s ministry was spent, but we must on to Jerusalem,” writes our impatient Methodist pilgrim. It was clearly not a whole book he chose to write. On the way the sites of biblical dimensions were almost everywhere. “Our guide pointed to the hill where Samson was born, but we learn that many other places contend for the honor of having been his birthplace.” Imagine that. Perhaps there was a lock of Samson’s hair back in the Istanbul museum.

In Jerusalem he first visited the American Colony, where he was served cake and hot tea. “As we sallied forth that which impressed me was the cosmopolitan character of the people I met. Jews, Arabs, English, French, Scotch, and Americans were to be seen, and twice as many other nationalities were represented,” notes our pilgrim. Now all of Bible history came to light. “I found here the sublime and ridiculous in most convenient juxtaposition. For example, here was the very spot from which the earth was taken out of which Adam was created, and just a few yards away was his tomb. Here was the very spot where the crucifixion occurred, the brass hole wherein the cross was placed marking the center of the earth and, in the cellar of the church, the shrine where Helena, mother of Constantine, discovered in a vision the true cross. Everything is here.” But, “the strangest thing of all is the credulity of thousands upon thousands who accept these claims with the utmost sincerity.” Then, he continues: “All the surroundings show the genuineness of the Bible narrative recorded in the fifth chapter of the gospel by John.” I believe he says this with the utmost sincerity.

Jerusalem is, of course, close to Jericho and the Dead Sea, so off our hero went. “I confess to some nervousness, as our carriage, drawn by three horses, would swing perilously near the precipitous cliffs below the roadway. To add to my trepidation, the drivers are proverbially careless, and often give free vent to their propensity for driving past the teams ahead of them.” It seems he survived, since he later wrote his travelogue. “At about half the distance from Jerusalem we stopped to rest the horses at the Inn of the Good Samaritan, where many curios were purchased. The old inn bears every mark of being on the site of the hostelry to which a kind-hearted Samaritan would have carried a man who had been robbed and wounded and left half dead by the thieves.” Our dear Methodist does not report finding any wounded Samaritans on this part of the trip, but I am sure he would have taken such a person to this very inn. Later he left the carriage to visit the site where Elijah fed the ravens. He does not say if he saw any ravens and what he fed them if he did; nor was there any sign of a chariot in the sky. The heat was rather intolerable; he estimated it at about 150 degrees. Fortunately the group arrived back in Jerusalem in time for lunch.

Samaritans wisely traveling in a large group

The goal of the voyage was The World’s Fourth Sunday School Convention, held in Jerusalem for three days in April. “It was replete with interest. For the full report I refer my readers to the ‘Official Report of the Cruise,’ which is to contain stenographic reports of all the lectures, sermons, addresses, etc., including the convention, from the time we left New York, March S, until our return. May 19.” Our stenographic Methodist then lists the number of attendees by nationality, there being 701 Americans out of a grand total 1,526 individuals representing 23 countries, including six from Japan and one from New Zealand. It was an international Sunday School fest not unlike the Mohammedan pilgrimage.

Eventually the host returned to New York. The parting thought in the book is praise of travel.
“The only know the world is to see it, and the present facilities for travel offer every opportunity of reaching even ‘earth’s remotest bound.’ What are you toiling for? Why are you saving money? To buy another farm? to add to your mortgage or bank account ? Of what avail will it all be if you only come to have a plethoric exchequer and a lean intellect ? mind your best capital? Isn’t your mind your best capital? isn’t it worth your while to drop the mad pursuit wealth or pleasure and fit yourself, by travel and observation, to better act your part in life’s soon to be ended?”

Amen to that. The plethoric exchequer would indeed be a sad way to live.

And here is our pilgrim at last:

Afârit on Parade

When I was young, one of the major sci-fi programs on television was Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone. It was fun because it was fiction. Now it seems that fiction has been resurrected as a substitute for reality. I am not talking about the folk who think the children of Adam chummed around with dinosaurs, since both humans and dinosaurs really have existed. And clearly it is not just “one” that has flown over the cuckoo’s nest. The QAnon conspiracy that has government Democrats (and perhaps those Republicans who voted to impeach Trump) having children for lunch (in their favorite pizza restaurant) is quite medieval. Just read the Malleus Maleficarum of five centuries ago and you will see that delicacy on the witch’s menu. And of course Hansel and Gretel would have made a savory feast as would Beanstalk Jack for the ogre. We used to call these fairy tales. It was supposedly good to scare children so they would behave and not eat too much gingerbread.

Then there is Mars. Whether or not the cow jumped over the moon, Martians have long been the fascination of those who look up in the sky and have no clue where the planet is. Martians may have served as the inspiration for the Trump supporters takeover of the capitol; after all it has been done before cinematically. The latest Rover from NASA is now on Mars looking for microbes; the UAE has a spacecraft taking pictures of Mars. Even Turkey wants to extend its political da’wa into space, at least as far as the moon.

So why all this interest in space when there are so many humanitarian and political crises on earth, especially in the Middle East? Just ask the former head of the Israeli Space Program. I do not mean Mel Brooks, who was a bit too spaced out. These are the words of Haim Eshed, who remained silent for years but now is revealing what Israel intelligence, the best in the world, has known for a long time:

“There’s an agreement between the US government and the aliens. They signed a contract with us to do experiments here.”

He explained that the aliens have a base on Mars: “Trump was on the verge of revealing [the aliens’ existence], but the aliens in the Galactic Federation are saying, ‘Wait, let people calm down first.'”

It is a good thing that Trump did not spill the beans (the same magical ones Jack used for his climb) or we would have to rename his posh residence Mars-a-lago.

It was reported earlier this week that Senator Ted Cruz was in Cancun to escape the deep state freeze in Texas. But a decoy of him was planted on the United flight. What if Ted Cruz is really a Martian agent and he had made a brief trip to Mars to brief his superiors before they reveal themselves? This would explain a lot of his behavior and his adoration of Trump. Most people do not know that the word “Maga” is actually the Martian word (yes they use words but they have not evolved sentences yet) for “We are coming for you.” My sources tell me that Trump is actually a Martian robot planted originally in New York, because no one there would have suspected. Just wait until 2024 when all Mars will break loose.

What can I say? Just this: may the farce be with you…

Huckabeeswax

The Republican Party, inebriated with tea partisanship, seems to shoot itself in its elephantine trunk in attracting presidential candidates. This certainly worked to Romney’s favor last time around, as he certainly looked far more presidential than “what-was-the-third-one” Rick Perry, Call 999 and pay your taxes Mr. Cain, Sarah “I can see Alaska from my bedroom” Palin, Ron “I will run even when I am in my grave” Paul and the other circus acts that paraded through the primaries in 2012. Once again we are seeing a run (at the mouth some times) of former Governor and Fox News celebrity Mike Huckabee. He is apparently willing to overlook the fact that having two presidents from the state of Arkansas within only a couple of decades is going against Las Vegas odds. But here he is again, hitting the mash potato and Bible verse quoting circuit and about as Iowa bound as a candidate can get.

The latest bit of Huckabeeswax has a nasty sting to it. Echoing the Gold Meir canard that there are no “Palestinians” on his most recent Bible Land tour (I suspect that Huckabee is guilty of not reading Twain’s Innocents Abroad), the Arkansas traveler said that there aint no such thing (well he is reported to have said “is” no such thing but who knows what the meaning of “is” really is) as a Palestinian. “The idea that they have a long history, dating back hundreds or thousands of years, is not true,” Huckabee said.

So if there are no “Palestinians” but only “Arabs” who made up the term to spite Israel and drive them into the sea, who exactly was living in Eretz Israel before 1948. Here are some scenarios. Continue reading Huckabeeswax

Cloning the Pharaohs

The lunatic fringe is no longer a fringe on Youtube. Every wild idea you could possibly think of is out there somewhere. For example, not only is Egypt the mother of all civilizations, an idea that has been around for awhile, but today we see ancient Egyptians being cloned. There is Obama, who must be relieved to know he is an ancient Egyptian and not a Muslim. And there is Michael Jackson, who probably would make a great MTV video if he had only known his true roots. If you want more proof of the clones, just check out this Youtube video.

Birthers, chew on this …

President Obama has been stalked by birthers ever since his first run for the White House. But forget about placing his birth in Kenya, even though Kenya is a country where qat (Catha edulis) is chewed. A friend in Yemen sent me this photograph which should confuse the birther issue even more. If Obama can chew like a Yemeni, who knows where he was really born. Just think, how much qat is there in Hawaii?

CIA, C.O.D., LOL


Afghan President Karzai explaining how large a bag he wants his CIA cash delivered in

Following the “revelation” that the CIA has been dropping off bags of cash to Afghan’s President Karzai, perhaps its acronym should also stand for Covert Insurance Allowance. What better way to spread democracy and freedom-loving among the Afghan people than to buy allegiance with greenbacks. After all, if Karzai is not supplied with freshly minted American dollars, how can he get the warlords to side with him. Let’s face it, the Taliban have stockpiled the opium, so Karzai needs some source of income for his fragile economy. As bribed supporters of American liberation, we can be assured that these warlords would never use any of that under-the-table funding to buy opium from the Taliban.

Many Americans are shocked that the CIA would provide clandestine aid to a foreign president who is pulled out on the kilim in public to be chided over Afghan’s notorious corruption. But rest assured that President Karzai gives America receipts for every dollar. These receipts are actually recycled and used as toilet paper back in CIA headquarters, resulting in a significant savings for the agency. The CIA can now cover its own shit without having to buy truckloads of Scots Tissues, much to the consternation of the Koch Brothers. Now that the shit has hit the fan, so to speak, more money will need to be provided to Karzai so that more receipts can make their way back to headquarters. There is plenty of cash available, despite sequestration, since so many of the other dictators that were getting genuine made-in-America bribes on the sly are gone. Continue reading CIA, C.O.D., LOL

Who is the Master Debater?


Events in the Middle East continue to fester and flair with yet more deaths in Syria, rumors of the Kurds carving out an enclave for themselves in the ruins of Assad’s state, Kenyan troops cleansing the Al Shabab from their last stronghold in Somalia, cross firings between leaders of Iran, Israel and the Palestinian Authority at the anything but united UN, and the list goes on and on. But in America, now that the official NFL refs are back on the job, the media is gearing up for the first presidential debate between a sitting President that was once thought to be in electoral trouble and a Republican candidate who has been so inept that he may re-enact a Goldwater moment for the party of Lincoln (and now of Lincolns, Lexus and Jaguars).

I suspect quite a few voters will watch the debate, even those who have already made up their minds and voted early, and others will watch just to confirm how much they dislike one of the candidates. But for all the hoopla, these debates are so choreographed that winners and losers tend to be determined only in the eyes of the beholders. Romney could stick his foot, ankle, calf and knee in his mouth and Fox News will still declare him the winner. The MSNBC anchors will try to stifle their laughter, but they actually knew who would win before the show opened. And a show it will be. Think of it as the MLB home-run hitting context with the BP fastballs lain in there, right down the pike, not as a boxing match where someone might get bloodied and knocked out. Consider this: George W. Bush survived his debates and won re-election. Does anyone seriously think that Obama will forget who the leader of China is?

There are a number of questions that I suspect will not be asked, even though quite a few Americans may be mulling over them before they make a “legitimate” vote (I suppose in Todd Aiken’s view this would be a vote in which the voter has a built-in ability to reject liberals and shows an I.D. issued by the NRA). How about these?

• Governor Romney, if you are elected President and Jesus Christ comes back to earth before you take the oath of office, will you be disappointed? Will you urge the Republicans in Congress not to filibuster any of the programs for the poor that Jesus might want to introduce?

• President Obama, why won’t you admit your are a Muslim born in Kenya? If Governor Romney is elected President, will you agree to self deport yourself back to Africa and stop passing yourself off as a white guy?

• Governor Romney, given the rising costs of health care for the elderly, who are often given medical tests they really do not need, would you as president give a tax break to faith healers as an alternative to the E.R.?

• President Obama, you once wrote a book called “The Audacity of Hope.” Is it true that your are currently working on your next book and it will be called “The Audacity of Hype”?

• Governor Romney, if last time around the VP candidate Sarah Palin was a pit bull, do you think that Paul Ryan is a poodle or a Doberman? Has the campaign committee put him through a dog training school yet?

• President Obama, is there a room in the basement of the White House where Joe Biden can be sent and the key thrown away?

• Governor Romney, do you actually shop at Staples?

• President Obama, if you are not re-elected President, would you be willing to work at Staples for a minimum wage or would you prefer to take your chances in the NBA draft?

I have one more suggestion. Since there are three debates, could we remake “Survivor” and vote one of them (or both of them) off the stage at the end of the third debate?

Letting the “ayr” out of the new French PM


Jean-Marc Ayrault

The election of François Hollande as the new President of France not only has the financial markets reeling, but has also presented a problem for Arab journalists. Take, for example, the appointment of Jean-Marc Ayrault (as the French pronounce his name) as the new Prime Minister. As noted in al-Arabiya, here is the problem:

The Arab-speaking media was in a quandary after the appointment of Jean-Marc Ayrault as France’s new prime minster on Tuesday − about how to mention the head of the French government without causing offense.

Transcribed into Arabic from the French pronunciation of his name, “Ayrault” refers to the male sexual organ in several Arabic dialects.

The problem lasted for hours after French President Francois Hollande named the head of the Socialist bloc in parliament as his prime minister, with Arab journalists trying different possible pronunciations of his name.

Some newspapers referred to him as “Aro,” others prefixed his name with an “H,” while some chose to spell out the last two silent letters.

The conundrum was finally resolved by the French foreign ministry, which issued an official edict on subject permitting his name to be transcribed as written, and saving the blushes of many an Arabic editor.

I sympathize fully with Arab journalists trying to avoid any rhetorical ethical lapse. It might indeed raise the ire of Monsieur Ayrault, if he were to learn that Arabs think him a prick before he even takes on the responsibilities of his office (although perhaps this was the case for Sarkozy). Certainly Monsieur Ayrault is no airhead, nor should anyone confuse the recent French election with any kind of erectile dysfunction within the Eurozone. Monsieur Ayrault deserves a chance to enlarge his reputation without having his name sullied from the start. After he has had a chance to perform affairs of state, he can be judged during the refractory period that inevitably follows for all politicians. After all, he is only a Prime Minister and not yet an heir apparent.